I think I blinked and now I am a Senior

What the name in all that is holy has happened to the last four years?!?

I am a senior and getting an internship and only have one more semester to go for a bachelors degree and seven weeks away from ending my softball career. 

I think I am starting to hyperventilate.
I haven't been on this bad boy in a little over a year and Jimmy Timmy is updating his so I thought WHAT THE HEY!!! I'll get back into it too.

Lets see 

Long story short 

In the past year I have chopped off all of my hair/dyed it blonde, and celebrated two years with the big fella. Gotten a 3.0 this past semester THANK GOD. Took me almost four years but I made that damn Athletic Director's Honor Roll. Got a t-shirt as proof if you're currently shaking your head in disbelief. It's pretty snazzy. Adopted another cat :) he's really fat and the most adorable thing ever. His name is Marty. I tried to change his name to Fat Albert but Jimbob wouldn't let me. Call me a cat lady I don't give a shit you're just jealous. I have twice the unconditional love. Except Gidget is pretty much a bitch most of the time so never mind.
I have also become a Senior Captain of my softball team. WHOOT WHOOT. Mainly the only cool things we get is to sit at the back of the bus on road trips, and eat first at restaurants. 

I think I have hit all of the important points....

Currently I am feeling a bit rough. Four years into a division one athletic career you can definitely tell a difference in recovery rate. From practice or shenanigans alike. A crazy Thursday night can lay me out for a good three days. It's pretty sad. I am now regularly attending a Chiropractor and Athletic Trainer for my back pain and desperately calling a massage parlor to try and find an appointment but its hard to carve an hour and a half out of my day to get a good rub down. Deep tissue is the only thing acceptable. ROUGHER THE BETTER.

Sad news.... The best friend from High School that I have been living with the past year and a half is moving on. She is allergic to cats and wants to save money. So now I am left with Jimmy James.
OH the other bestie had a baby!!!!!! Her name is Brynlee and the most beautiful thing. But seriously, most of the time you look at newborn pictures and want to gag but this girl is legit. I guess it's that time when everyone gets married and have kids. I have two save the dates in the next year. COME ON OPEN BAR! Also, it's nice that I will have a date. Jumbo couldn't make it to the last two weddings I attended. By the way... Everyone can just stop asking when we are getting hitched, because we can barely afford toilet paper. If you know me you know I am into theatrics so I want to wait until I can go ridiculously over the top. Also he needs a few years to think of the most surprising and most mind blowing proposal EVER. Or he might not Iike me enough to ask me. Who knows?! Like is freakin' crazy! No matter what happens with James and I, I will always have at least one kitty cat and that is all that I care about in life. ;)


So that's a quick recap of my ri-DICK-ulous life in the year I wasn't blogging.

DUECES SUCKAS ttyl :P

They put speed bumps in our parking lot!!!

It. is. Summer.

Let me just tell you how relaxing it is just to THINK about it. Lounging in the sun, taking road trips, wearing next to nothing. Gives me a little tingle in my toes...I know it's weird but whatever.

I finished up my finals, which took me by surprise. They weren't as mind numbing as last years. I have this method, where I work really hard in the beginning of the semester while I have all that "new school year, new semester" motivation. Then as the months pass, I get to the point where I would rather drive dull pencils into my eye balls then get out of bed and go to my lecture class. So I rack up the points in the beginning and when I slowly start to not give a single shit about school it doesn't effect my grades! I know...I am a genius. 

I managed to pull a B- in Human Physiology. So no one freak out, because I know exactly why your pee smells that way. Not that I want to know that your urine smells in the first place, but if you happen to mention the fact that the bodily waste you are producing smells a little sweet then I can proudly tell you that you have Diabetes.

This is also the first summer in a couple years that I didn't spend hours at Target trying on every kind of swim suit there is, try them all on again, reluctantly choosing one, and then sob all the way home. I would definitely call walking into Wal-Mart (with the full intention of buying "The Vow" on DVD) seeing some neon colored swim suits, grabbing a pair, and duecing a success.  I chose a bright pink bottom, and a white and black top splashed with all of the other great neon colors. 

When I got home I watched the whole movie, painted my nails, and did the dishes before I sucked it up and tried it on. Imagine my surprise when I looked pretty dang SMOKIN'! All this crappy eating I have been doing lately probably altered that image a bit but who gives a shit. 

Summer unfortunately means a summer job. Good news though, I got a promotion at the car wash! I will now be outside selling them. Making an ass load of commission off of the people that don't have the time to wash their own vehicle. I'm pretty excited. I just wear some tight pants and smile really big and boom 10% commission! 

Tomorrow I am starting our Softball summer work out. Freakin Coach Frey has us running 15 something half gasers. So I am going to write good byes to my loved ones tonight. 

I'll be prepared this time.

I think I am most excited about the good times that are anticipated. In the past couple of weeks I have won 200 hundred dollars shakin' muh tail feather, witnessed old high school friends doing Karaoke, and been present while "she who will not be named" licked someones boobie for her birthday. 

Yeah...shit is about to get real. 

In closing I would like to leave you with my famous quote before that notorious night at Midnight Rodeo, (I think I was trying to get my friends to not be so shy) "Ladies, find your pussies and put them away!!" 

Alright...cool...

This is going to be a short one.
I bit off more than I can chew and I have to make corrections to my last post.
These goals will start May 14, 2012.
April was a little early and I am wanting to give it my all for my junior season. Running was hurting a bit too much.

STAY TUNED DAMNIT!

WHO AM I?!

I have gone to the dark side.
I think that I am a "runner" now.
Oh my lord you're gasping I know!! I don't know what happened!!!!

It was this stupid iPhone application that I downloaded from Nike, The Nike+GPS.
It's pretty darn great. Not only does it tell you how long you have been torturing yourself but it cheers you on as you go! Everyone creeping on my Facebook that is impressed that I have gone on a run they can like the post and it gives me real time cheers and applause! I always love praise and acceptance from other people.

Let us just shimmy on back to where it all started. I enjoy working out to a point. I also don't feel like I have burned very many calories unless I look like I took a shower with my clothes on. If I put on a long sleeve and go outside to pound the pavement I know for a cold hard fact that I will come back smelling a bit salty. Soooooo about a week ago I decided I was going to download this running application and then I was going to go running. I decided that however far I got I would run that, as much as I could until I can run longer and harder and then one day I would wake up and be a skinny bitch with a tight booty and thighs as smooth as butter!!!! I definitely surprised myself! I strutted my stuff for three miles straight. I honestly thought a mile was going to be the stretch. But it turns out that I am more awesome than I thought.

So here are some things that I have learned about distance running. (Or running the three miles I have been running each day.)
It can get fricking boring. Music is a MUST!! The powersong button on my app really comes in handy on the last mile.
Also, it is pretty rough on my knees. I am going to have to stay at lower mileage until my joints catch the fuck up!
They say let food settle for an hour before running. But that is a bold faced lie. It takes more than that. I almost tossed my cookies twice one run because I only waited an hour and a half after din din.
Running makes me hungry...Every second....Of EVERY day. I can recall two days of binge eating this week. I really need to get that under control or it will defeat the whole damn reason I started running.
Getting out of bed seems a bit harder....Actually way harder. There is a very large amount of torture with a very small window of a runners high you get within five minutes of ending a run. Then the torture starts again in the morning. However, once you get a good meal in the belly and start movin' and a shakin' you can get going without any pain. You don't get the muscle soreness two days later like lifting creates. In conclusion if you weigh all of the torture against the benefits. It's about the same.

I think that the reason I have taken to it so well is that I am taking my sweet ass time when I run. I am a ten minute mile pro! If you're one of THOSE people who like to run miles in under six minutes. Then stay the hell away from me! I run to look good, not for my life. Like you people must be doing.

I have made a few goals.
1. Run AT LEAST 10 miles a week.
2. Build up to 5 miles each run.
3. Run 500 miles within the next year starting April 8, 2012.

I am currently at 12 miles in my first week.
Too legit to quit.

Ahem...you want me to run how much?!

It is currently 11:45 PM and I drank so much stinkin' tea that my eyes feel like they are glued open. Naturally I am utilizing this free time to update and creep on any and every social networking site that I am a part of.
I was thinking about blogging, and wondering if there was a good one out there about an athlete just living out their life trying to stay healthy and blah blah blah.  I came across some random boring as hell blogger who happened to write one tidbit of interesting info. It was six things that High School Athlete parents should know. About recruiting and scholarships and all that jazz. Considering that my first few posts are 75.23% lists, I feel the need to write another one.
A list of things athletes should know that they DO NOT tell you on recruiting trips!

Here we go.

First one:
If you think you can have friends outside of your team then you are sadddddly mistaken. Some people can do it! They can maintain relationships outside of the circle of bondage that is a college team. I believe that is extremely difficult. Let us add this up.
The NCAA allows 20 hours per week for the team. That leaves 148 hours in a week to yourself. Hopefully you try to get AT LEAST six hours of sleep each night which takes away 36 hours from your week. Minus the twelve hours you will be in class. Just hypothetically you take an hour to eat at each meal that leaves 79 hours to yourself. Subtract an hour a day you take to be a woman...shower, rinse, condition, shave your legs, wash your face, and brush your teeth. (Assuming that most women do that everyday).
Someone said something about doing homework in college, so if you take the time to do that you are at about 65 hours. GOOD GRIEF this is adding up! I am definitely a napper so I take about three hours out of the week for me to be flat on my face drooling on my pillow. We are at 62 hours and still subtracting people. Say that you spend about an hour with friends a day, that brings us down to 55. SHEESH that is a low number.
Please don't argue that you spend at least two hours a day on Facebook, dragging us down to 41 friggin' hours.
According to my calculations as a student athlete you have less than 48 hours to shoot the shit with your besties. Now if you actually studied the recommended amout that number would only be 33. Not to mention the extra time you burn to stay after practice and take extra reps. Or the physical therapy you may have to drag your ass to if you really go all out in practice everyday. Sometimes you get lucky and have a friend from high school in your class you'd like to study with. Which is nice, but when the semester is over better get a goodbye hug!
Hate to break it to ya sister, but take a good look around the locker room, when everyone is dressed of course!! Because if it isn't a holiday break you won't see anyone other than those girlies right there. Better break it to your mom easy...

Second one:
Unless you are willing to give up every kind of social interaction on the planet, then you better brace yourself for a 3.0 or below. There ARE those people that can sit in class half asleep and seem to absorb the information through their skin, and ace the tests without blinking an eye. But for the rest of us dumb asses that actually need to go over the material, we my friend are screwed. Hmmmmm, get so trashed you don't remember your name with the baseball team or stay in and study with your cat? Decisions decisions!

Third one:
Has anyone told you life is hard? Yeah well they should say that life is hard and then college athletics is harder. Just thinking about conditioning days just makes your stomach turn over and your eyes well up in tears. Keep in mind that when those coaches are buying you dinner, they are also wondering if you have what it takes to pass their run test when you come back from breaks. They run you until you are blind, make you lift weights until your hamstrings are so tight they could snap at any second, and then tell you its time for practice! All that  might be a bit of an exaggeration but  it's pretty spot on about how I feel most of the time.
I wasn't a napper until I got here. Now I lay down and take a snooze every thirty minutes I get the chance. Please believe that the Walgreens attendent probably thinks I am stocking up on Ibuprofen for a mass suicide or something. Although, if they make us do ten half gasers again then that just might be the case.

Fourth one:
This is something that is DEFINITELY not discussed in the contract.
Playing time.
You're not in Kansas anymore honey. Now you are in the big leagues and everyone is just as big as you are. Now if comes down to who stays at practice longer and whoever produces the most. It depends from coach to coach but it is a difficult thing to watch someone play your position and not know why they chose them instead of you.
OH and DO NOT ask how can you get more playing time. That is selfish. Ask what can you do to be a better player. It doesn't make you sound as much like an ass hole. This is something that I learned the hard way. I know the drill now that I am a junior, but freshman year that was a HARRRRD pill to swallow.

Fifth one:
If you are low on money. Don't even consider a job. We calculated the free time in a week. You know it's not possible so just forget it. Mommy and daddy are your source of cash now. So good luck with that!
So that's that. The ins and outs of being a college athlete.
After proofreading that, I feel a little depressed. I think it's time for the reasons you absolutely SHOULD be a college athlete.
They don't mention this shit either, or they might I don't really know. I only went on like two visits and both were prettttty shitty.

Being as close as you are to your team can get a bit ridiculous. Like mooning people on the bus during road trips, and making up dances to video and put on Youtube.
You always have drinking buddies, and you always will have someone to see that new movie with! Your poor boyfriend will most likely be hanging out with you and your team more than anyone and he will surprisingly love it. You will always have those stories about who ate shit at practice or who got their car broken into in the parking lot during practice.
Classes are fifty times better with a team mate and don't forget the lunch buddy possibilities.
You make friends and tell them things you haven't even told your childhood bestie. They don't judge or scold they just laugh along with you about that hook up you may or may not have had over fall break. There are always at least five other people around to make fun of the coach with you, and you will never be lonely when it's a snow day.
Most importantly as much as you struggle through the week. Through weights, and practice, and team meetings. They are struggling right along with you. Everyone else is in the same boat headed to the same place. Which is comforting to know especially since its a rough ride.
So when you go on the trips to see if you really want to go to that college, don't worry about whether you will make it there or not. If you really want to be an athlete you will be. Humans do crazy things for something they want.
Make sure that you can talk to the people you will basically, and/or literally be living with for the next four years. Because if you can't, THAT will be the ONLY reason you wouldn't make it.
I know you think it might be the time your team gets caught drinking that does you in, but it isn't as bad as you think it will be. Don't ask me how I know.

Mother of pearl
It's almost one.
Dueces!

Quit that sniffing I'm trying to take a test!!

Sometimes I go through life and shit happens that is just a gigantic pain in my ass. Which is a serious situation if you know me. Considering my ass by itself is pretty big. Most of it involves being a college student. I can yap my gums all day about what makes me want to hurl myself through a plate glass window to end my ongoing misery. 

Although, some things are small that really just make me laugh. Like the times when you're trying to get your key in the door before you shit your pants. Or you try and finish opening that package before you itch your eye, but you just end up dropping what you're doing and almost gauging your eye out because it was itching so bad! So for now let's just focus on the major pain in the ass shit. 

Locking your keys in your car right before you have to be somewhere. 

Please believe I have done this a time or two, but this years incident was a doooooozy! I was all packed up to head to the school for a softball trip this fall. However, what happened next I couldn't explain even if I tried. Somehow I ended up with my keys and every bag I packed locked up tight. Talk about a "fuck me" moment right? Poor Jimmy boy was fast asleep at seven in the morning when I burst into the room screaming like someone just mugged me. I kind of wish that a mugging was the case. It wasn't, and he is always ready to help so he threw on my hoodie and shoes to come out to help. The best part was that my hoodie was about six sizes too small, the sleeves barely went past his elbow. 

I would say that the call to my coach was the next highlight. "There is a slight possibility that my keys and everything I own found it's way into my car and doesn't want to come out..." 

She pretty much just told me to get them out or I couldn't go. Which was just friggin' frackin' perfect. 

This emotional bitch just let the tears flow. I would NOT be good in any kind of real crisis. I would be paralyzed with whimpers. Long story short, the bus made a house call to my apartment and I spent 75 bones for some grandma to break into my car. 

#FAIL 

Starting to use the restroom 2.5 seconds before you look over and realize there is ZERO toilet paper. 

This moment doesn't need any explanation. Other than the fact that you better have some poor bastard within ear shot to come in and smell your business to give you some toilet tissue. 

Getting a parking ticket when you park in the illegal spot for LITERALLY FIVE MINUTES!

Most of the time the reason I park illegally is that I am extremely late for something and I need to get shit done. So coming back out to see that some ass hole is going to make me pay thirty bucks for a 6 by 10 foot piece of ASPHALT, (P.S I had to ask Jimbob how to spell that. I just typed assfault, because that is how it sounds)  really makes me want to find the nearest security guard and junk punch them.

Eight AM classes. 

I told my mother that I would go easy on the F word in my blog so I can't really elaborate on this one, but you know how I probably feel. 

Classes on any floor higher than the second.

I once had a Chemistry lab on the fourth floor of Temple Hall. Two flights per floor so that means my ass was draggin' up eight flights of stairs. Calves cramping, quads burning and everything. 

I was basically crawling by the time I got to the top. Some dick hole also decided to make the book almost ten pounds. Good lord now that I think about it Chemistry was just an over-all hellish experience. 

I had to take a break before I went in to keep my rep as an athlete. Consume some water, maybe blot a little sweat. I could waltz into the classroom like "What's up guys? Those man eating stairs didn't phase me one gosh darn bit!"

Walking around campus in the pouring rain with absolutely no drainage.

This is literally like river jumping!!  If you don't make it you are going to have to roll up your pant legs the rest of the day. Also forget about socks. They won't last two seconds in that kind of weather. When it is raining cats and dogs outside, you have a choice to make. You can look like a bad ass and get soaking wet, or you can be the douche bag that uses an umbrella, or you can just stay home. Rain shouldn't be taken lightly. 

I usually go with the last one. 

People that ride bicycles around campus. 

Last semester my leg was mangled by a speeding bicyclist and ever since I have wanted to clothes-line every mother sucker that rides by. 

I can remember it was like it was yesterday.  

I was just walking along, changing the song on my ipod when all of a sudden I look up and get my ass plowed by a blonde bitch on a bike. The chain cut up my ankle and I think I may have punched the air in fright, and accidentally landed my right fish near her left kidney. She may or may not have slammed to the ground. It was so traumatic it's still a little fuzzy. 

The worst part about it was that the skank had the nerve to ring her little bell, like I was in the way! GAHHHH I am still bitter about it. I didn't even notice my ankle was gushing blood because I was trying to flee the scene before anyone I knew saw me. Ruined some perfectly good converse. There should be a law against cycling on campus. Or at least a speed limit damnit!! 

There ya go. All the reasons I hate my life while on campus. Plus a couple extra things that I am sure everyone can relate to. 

Just thinking about it all makes me want to burn a bicycle. 

ROAD TRIP!!!! Bitches style Part 2

Alright listen up. I am only going to say this once.
This is the first time I have gotten a chance to blog since part 1, so I am going to be completely honest. There is a strong possibility that I don't remember the events exactly as they happened. So if you were involved in this certain vaca to the other side of the river. Then just go with it.

Sooooo where was I? Oh yes, day three. Here we go.
After a full night of festivities at "Old Folks Central Station"... my roomie and I just couldn't sleep in another second knowing that we were wasting our vacation. So we awoke with a vengeance and googled the nearest, fattiest food that we could. For those of you that haven't had the pleasure of working with a GPS, then you don't know how it feels to figure out where your damn destination actually is because the way it looks on the screen makes you think that where you want to go is in the middle of the fucking freeway. We found the Original Pancake house a bit of a trek off of the freeway, thank goodness, and seated ourselves for a feast.
When they say everything is bigger in Texas, they probably mean it. All I can tell you is the roads are bigger, and so are the frickin' frackin' omelets. It was bigger than my head. I can't speak for everything else that occupies the state because I wasn't there long enough for full research. Sadly it wasn't a franchise and it didn't have to go orders. The other vacation occupants had to settle for Chic-fil-a.
Day three is really the kicker. This is when we hit downtown for realzies and had authentic Mexican cuisine. This is also where the margaritas that can kick you in the face come in. Cross my heart hope to die! There is a two drink minimum on those bitches! Luckily we all are light weighted whores and were pretty tipsy when we left Casa de something or other. (Not being rude I really just don't remember the name.)
While I was in the Lonestar State, I made an observation. People in the midwest are FAT. Texans keep their girlish figures because when they hit downtown they WALK everywhere. So weird.
So to make a long story short, if you walk around bouncers try to get you in the bars and offer to pay for your first drink. In other words if you go in, have your first drink and leave at every bar you go to. Then you can get out chocolate wasted scott free!!
I am pretty sure there was a short visit to a gay bar, and the bouncer wanted to marry my best friend. Which confused me, but whatev's. I am honestly surprised that I am not permanently crippled from all of the walking in four inch heels.
Don't judge, they make my legs look good!
I would also like to let you in on a little secret...If you haggle with the bartenders then you can get five dollar shots down to 2.50 a piece. Don't ask me how I did it. I just may be that smokin' hot.  Or drunk enough to not realize there might not have been alcohol in the drinks. WHO THE FUCK KNOWS!

Getting back to the house each of us realized that maybe three days in Texas was just enough. Not to mention the fact that I was so hungover I worried that I was blind for a good two and a half minutes. We all decided to clean up the house, stop by Grandma's, and grab Panda Express to hit the road!
Grandma was lovely and her stew was even lovelier. I wish that I wasn't on the verge of vodka induced cardiac arrest. We would have stayed and visited longer.
Oh did I forget to mention that I mowed the lawn before we left?
Yeah.
The ride home was a complete and utter blur. Except for the weirdos that hit on us at a gas station in Oklahoma. For some reason after they asked to party with us I felt the need to tell them "maybe tomorrow". Don't ask me why. This bitch was spent.
Slap happy kicked in about one in the morning and we were laughing about the stupidest shit. Also on the verge of shitting our pants from the tequila. Or maybe I should just speak for myself. Roomie and I made it back about three am and I think that it took us another week to recover.
That was the point though. To party hard and leave it all in Austin. Although, in this case, what happens in Austin definitely didn't stay in Austin.

ROAD TRIP!! Bitches Style, Part 1

Alright folks...it's about that time. Time for me to open up about the trip to Austin, Texas. Where the whataburgers are hot and the houses are big. Where you can get kicked in the face by margarita's and have guacamole made right in front of your eyes. It's a beautiful city.

If you are ever wondering if you would fit in there, then don't you fret because there is something for everyone down south! As long as you can maneuver your way through a forest of overpasses and a toll road every five seconds then you are set to have the time of your life. Luckily we were prepared for the toll part. I had an unfortunate run in with an automatic toll road in Oklahoma once and it didn't end well. Make sure however much, or little, you wear you always have pockets full of change.

On to the good stuff. I know what you're thinking. That Springfield, MO to Austin, Tx is a bitch of a car ride, but if you have two pounds of Twizzlers and Cheddar Rice Cakes you can turn it into a blast. If you're like me then you will drink so much water that if you laughed too hard at any point in time then you could piss your panties.
We left Thursday morning and made it across the Lone Star state line by lunch time. Which meant we needed to find a Jack N' the Box, and we needed to find it fast!  Luckily there was a gas station that didn't look too shady for a potty break and directions. I think we offended them by asking where the fast food was because they made barbecue there. Sorry sista' we want a place where you can get tacos, egg rolls, and  burgers all at once. We needed to coat our stomachs with as much grease as possible, seeing as we were about to ingest an ungodly amount of alcohol. The station attendant gave me puppy dog eyes and the old men sitting down for lunch checked out our asses. So we had to split....
After some tacos and burgers we were almost to Dallas. HOLY FUCKING TRAFFIC.
Don't worry, we had a GPS. Even though every single highway had construction we made it out alive.
Barely.
Three hours to Austin and we were getting anxious! We had decided that we were going to party like the world was ending this year. Which was a sensible thing since someone told me it might. So I went with it and vowed to drink myself to oblivion.
My friend's mom was kind enough to let us stay in their empty house in a little town right outside of Austin. I honestly was one day away from saying "Fuck it I am staying."

We unloaded our shit and started getting ready. We had to tease our hair and pick out just the right outfit because we were about to hit the liquor store. We needed to bring our A game. Sadly Ace Liquor didn't have any Burnett's! Or any other place around Austin. I guess Texans don't appreciate cheap ass vodka like we do. Nine fifths and a wal mart run later we were set for the entire trip!
Honestly I don't really remember what happened directly after that, but I know that we ended up at a Dentist's mansion eating borderline raw hamburgers and trying to figure out how we were so fucked up. Oh yeah, there was a huge dog. That peed when I tried to pet it...
I have the worst luck with pets.
As a side note, the dentist was precious and worked so hard to make our burgers. We ate them to be polite. Also to keep from dying of alcohol poisoning! So we killed two birds with one stone!

We ended up at home and passed out at who knows what time, and woke up Friday morning feeling like a diesel truck ran us all over. Which is to be expected.
Those poor bathrooms, there were only two of them worthy of getting ready in and we were all PMS'ing. Definitely interesting.
We met up with a friend and hit the mall. I don't know about the other girls but I know that I beat the SHIT out of my bank account at that place. I would just like to say that you are INSANE if you walk away from a purple lacy push up bra for three dollars.
Anyway, I peed a total of four times in the mall and three more at the Longhorn Steakhouse we went to. They even messed up an order and we got free chili cheese fries! Christmas all over again!!!
This was the night we decided to go to a place called Graham Central Station. Which is a magical building with six different kind of bars under one roof. Who thinks of that shit?!
Even though they preauthorize your credit card for fifty bucks if you open a tab, it is totally worth it. We danced our asses off with the elderly! Well, to me over 28 is old. No offense to any readers over the hill.
My room mate made a Texan fall in love with her and I seriously considered dancing in the cage. Even though I was drunk I knew that it might have been bad considering I was wearing a skirt. So instead I took advantage of the fact the the DJ was a perv and gave him a bit of a booty dance for him to play Teach Me How to Dougie. Sorry Jimbob I love my Cali Swag District! ;)
However, I would like to say that men in Texas are no where near as generous as the men in Missouri. Play your cards right, east of the red river you can get over five drinks purchased for you in one night. Not happennin' in Te-has. So we had to dish out for our own beers, damnit.

Please believe that we came back and I had the munchies so bad I almost consumed an entire box of cheese itz. Thank goodness I held it all down because that would NOT have been good coming back up. Cheese never is.
So that was two days into the trip. My wrists are tired from typing so you can just kiss my ass and I will post Part 2 in a while.
Stay fuckin' tuned.

Wooooowwwwww....

Okay people, I am going to let you in on a little secret about me. I have an addiction. 

Don't worry! It's not meth or anything, I would like to keep my youth AND my teeth! 

My name is Caitlin Mackenzie Chapin and I am addicted to Infomercials. 

I can sit on the couch for hours and hours watching them if I let myself. There is just something about seeing a blender that can chop up concrete. Or seeing a brunette commercial actress that is endorsing a fancy schmancy potato peeler, try and make doing it the old fashioned way seem harder than splitting fire wood with your bare hands! It just makes me feel all tingly inside. 

I have dreams about George Foreman grills, and fantasies about waking up to a foreign man and his blonde wife in a halter top whipping me up breakfast, lunch, dinner, and cocktails in a Magic Bullet ALL AT THE SAME TIME! 

But I have a favorite kind of Infomercial. The ones that really get me going are the diet and exercise ones! I love watching the fitness models use a Bowflex, or a NordicTrack treadmill. 

Although, some of them get me more pissed off than a Homophobe getting his ass grabbed by a drag queen!

The one that I watched a little bit ago downright burned my grits! It's called the Six Week Body Makeover!  Their slogan is "Eat more! Work out less!", and one of the testimonials was raving about the fact that she lost thirty pounds on the program without any exercise at all. Don't get too excited because this woman was over three hundred pounds, her bones and joints were probably so excited she quit eating whole pizzas they burned the calories for her! 

Oh my dear sweet baby Jesus! I didn't know that we had commercials geared toward the laziest pieces of shit in the world! 

THAT'S RIGHT! I said it... lazy pieces of shit. Go ahead and let that sink in!  

Don't get your panties in a knot just yet because I am absolutely not trying to be a bitch. If you know me, then you also know that I have gone from athlete to Chunk-a-Lunk and back. I cannot stand it when people bitch and moan about the fact that they need to lose weight. The complete and utter fact is, that losing weight is not a difficult concept. If you feel the need to do so, then get off your bum and do it! Unless you have a health problem that prevents you from making it happen, it is far from rocket science. 

For the record, I am going to tell you that I am human. I admit that I bitch and moan my fair share. Running hurts, and working out doesn't feel too great sometimes either, but if I come to the reality that I need to kick Ronald Mcdonald in the ass and tell him to leave me alone and then hit the pavement. I will. I don't think I will be spending over one hundred dollars of my hard earned booze money on a body make over kit that basically tells you to eat right and get your body moving. It saddens me to see that experts are resorting to marketing towards the lazy ass holes. 

 

So now that I think about it, I lied to you. In the beginning of this post I told you I was going to let you in on one secret. That isn't true, I am going to let you in on as many stinkin' diet and exercise secrets that I know. I am going to spill my guts all over the floor. 

Before I get started I should probably mention something you already know. There are healthy ways of losing weight, and there are unhealthy ways of losing weight. I am sure that if you are educated enough to read my blog and comprehend the words I am typing, then you are educated enough to know that going on a Green Tea diet with only Cyan Pepper and Maple Syrup might be a bit of a DUMB. ASS. IDEA. 

Secret number 1: The equation to losing weight is so freakin' simple!! If calories consumed is less than calories burned then you will lose weight. Burn 500 calories a week and you will lose one pound. Don't be an impatient son of a bitch, losing weight is a marathon not a sprint! 

Secret number 2: You can't starve yourself or your body will store fat as a survival instinct. Feed your body regularly and it won't hold onto anything as an emergency resource. Train your body to work for you! We have a little something called a metabolism! It's like a car! It won't run unless you put gas in it! DUH!

Secret number 3: If you want to look tone you have to build at least a little bit of muscle! Ladies, muscle is a good thing! I promise you lifting a little bit won't turn you into Arnold whatever his name is. (I am not even going to try and spell that one) Another thing about muscle is that it burns fat right along with your metabolism!  So you burn calories all the time. 

I will give you a second to clean up the room, since I more than likely just blew your mind. 

Secret number 4: To build the muscle I just told you about, you will need PROTEIN. Just eating fruits and vegetables alone won't get you anywhere. It will just make you want to break and enter Krispy Kreme. Go ahead and have a steak. It is a good thing! 

Secret number 5: Your body needs a little bit of fat too... This one is a tricky one. You want the good fats like nuts and fish! Not saturated. CHECK LABELS. As a side note, eating out at restaurants means you will more than likely be eating every single kind of unwanted fat there is known to man. Fat is a pathway for flavor, so think about it. 

Secret number 6: If you are working out like a fiend for a few weeks and starting to feel sluggish and weak, then it is probably about time for a rest and recovery week. If you have heard that exercise releases endorphins and promotes a happier lifestyle, then you should know that over exercising can have the complete OPPOSITE effect on your body. It could make you weak, irritable, and depressed. Make sure that you realize getting healthy is a process. You can't put a time frame on it. Just make realistic and healthy goals. Don't worry if you get anxious, please believe that Jimmer has to ban me from the scale sometimes. 

Secret number 7: Drinking water before a meal fills up your stomach and keeps you from eating that entire dinner portion of chicken alfredo pasta at Olive Garden. Trust me, I had to resort to this because I could bathe in that damn alfredo sauce. Drinking water also helps your metabolism, along with helping you feel better during work outs. Holy shit, water is a BAMF if you think about it! 

Secret number 8: Don't do the same work out every day, of every week, of every year. It won't work. You need to up the intensity every so often. Unless it's a recovery week, your work outs should always be difficult. If your body gets use to doing something it will stop burning calories to do it! Switch it up! I know you look like a graceful ballerina on the Elliptical at the gym but do something effective.  

Secret number 9: This one isn't as world rocking as the other secrets but I still like it a lot. You need vegetables so I know you are going to make an effort to eat more salad. So make sure you get ALL dressings on the side and dip each bite in a little bit. You will use less than 1/2 of the dressing you were probably going to eat if you dumped the whole cup on there. Try it one time and you will see. You will probably not even use a tablespoon. 

Secret number 10: Unless I think of anymore of these gems in the next couple days, this is the last secret I am going to throw at you tonight. It is really important, SO EYES AND EARS OPEN BITCHES! 

Here goes...

One day a week it is good to eat whatever the fudge you want! Like secret number 8 your metabolism needs a challenge once in a while. Declare a cheat day and eat until you burst. Not only will it help your metabolism it will help your sanity. You won't ever have to assume the fetal position in a corner at midnight trying to keep the chocolate cake demons away again. 

There you have it. Ten secrets to help you lose weight. Weird how it includes working out right?! Heaven forbid we have to work for something once in our lives! Now if you haven't noticed already I may be a classy lady, but I am NOT by any means an expert. I have accumulated these secrets from my health classes at Missouri State, Coach Frey, our athletic registered Dietitian, as well as fitness magazines. I have them because I have used them and have gotten results from them.

So if you happen to be able to prove me wrong on any of this information PLEASE do so. I would like to know that truth as well! 

Overall I enjoy working out and being in shape, and frankly everyone should. That's just my opinion. 

I always love to refer to my all time favorite movie, because my dad likes to pull this line on me when I am complaining about something myself...

It is from "A League of Their Own" Dot tells the manager Jimmy Dugan that she is quitting the team because "it just got too hard!"... So Jimmy stares her down and says "The hard... is what makes it great." 

Makes me want to kick my dad in the face, but it's real deep stuff. 

Think it over.

The cat is out of the bag

On a side note I ended up telling Big Time Timmy Jim about my blog.

I am such a friggin' big mouth.

Never mind here they are...

I told you in my last post about New Years that I couldn't show the pictures from the night because they are just too ridiculous...

Well I changed my mind
Here are a few

This is the most flattering one I think...

I mentioned the Periodic Table of Elements, and I wasn't lying...

Jimbo slice said I sent this to him with the caption "Where the fukc am I?!"

This hangover one is nice too:

Taken at waffle house. After I stuffed down breakfast burritos because I was still semi Schwasted.
Funny story about this waffle house.
My room mate drove and made me hold the spit cup from last night because she assumed I would be able to throw it away when we got there. Not only did I proceed to scream about why it was taking so long to get to the waffle house, there were no trash cans within a 50,000 meter radius. So I snuck around back to litter. I bent over and set the cup down by the wall and when I looked up I caught eyes with a cook out for a smoke break. We stared each other down for a while, and then I nodded and left. Leaving the cup.

Hope these were enjoyable.

HOLY HANGOVER BATMAN

It's a new year, and once again I am regrettably holed up on the couch trying to keep the box of macaroni that I just forced down my throat from coming back to say hello...
I have been watching Law and Order all day trying to figure out why I would ever consume the amount of alcohol that I chose to last night. Regret, regret, regret. There is a Karaoke video on Facebook, and the remains of Taco Bell's Volcano Nachos on my dress from last night.

It started out like any ordinary night, we hit the Hyvee for a little liquor, the gas station for a mixer, then headed to meet some friends. Burnett's Limeade and Hi-C mixes beautifully, just an FYI. I didn't eat anything for dinner so guess who was a drunk bitch before nine PM! Ding ding ding! That's right, THIS GIRL. We hit taco bell the first time shortly after my friends forced me to put a Skoal pouch in my lip. They were laughing while I was screaming from how much a newly discovered canker sore was burning. We parked downtown and I think that is when the T-Bell kicked in and I was sobering up a bit.
I hope you're wondering where we were at this point in the story because I sure am! All I know is that this morning Jim showed me a picture I sent him of a shower curtain that featured the Periodic Table of Elements. Yeah... I don't know where that could be either. Funny part is that I more than likely took that picture while on the pot. I like to keep things classy. I DO know that I was seriously excited! My room mate and I won a couple rounds of beer pong!!.....Okay fine. It was one round of beer pong and we won by default. DOESN'T MATTER THOUGH! A W is a W.
Good grief I am getting off track. So anyway, I remember tripping on a paintbrush, meeting a dog named Homey, and trying to get my room mate to let me walk to the bar where Jimbob was. I wasn't really feeling the house party they were going to make an appearance at.
They dropped me off and Jimmy says that I was a flirty pop tart all night. So I kissed my big fella at midnight and it was BEAUTIFUL! After that is when the shots started flowing. My room mate pulled the Birthday card on a couple of drunk douche bags and I quit counting the lake water shots. Singing BYE BYE BYE for the entire bar and kissing a couple door men on the cheeks finished off a GREEEEAAATTT night. We hit Taco Bell for the second time and I think that I spent almost twenty dollars. Which makes me mad because I didn't even get to digest it. Somehow we made it back to the apartment and when James got home he said I was a sight. I cussed him out and spoke gibberish before passing out. He woke up to lift this morning and I didn't even roll over until he got back.
So as you can see it was another HUGE SUCCESS of a night and a hell of a way to ring in the new year. I wish I had the courage to put the pics I have on here, but they are just too ridiculous.
So I would like to leave you with a text message that I sent last night.
"So here is the dizeal. I am already drunk un its only nine. I had a quindd volcano taco and it makes u want to pinch the shit out os someone."
Jimmer enjoyed that. \

You only turn 21 once

I started this blog not too long ago. Like thirty minutes not too long ago and I figured I better get to gettin'!

My very first real blog post will be about 21st birthday shenanigans. 

My room mate and I turned 21 in quite a small time frame and there were some serious repercussions.

Casualties include:

1 Digital Camera

1 High heeled boot

2 Dignities

and we won't mention the money that was lost.

I was the lucky girl that turned 21 first. ON the first actually. December first to be exact, and it was lovely. I started around five in the afternoon and seeing as I had a fake ID for the past year this was nothing, if not an ordinary night of going out and getting chocolate wasted. Although, there were some moments in there that are definitely worth talking about. Like the moment that I almost punched my team mate in the face when I caught her trying to write her real weight on the fake that I had passed down to her, with a pen. My arm tallies told me I had already taken ten of the 22 shots I were to take that night and even as a drunk asshole I knew not to make a fake ID look even more fake.

That happened before we even left for the bar! We shoved seven people into a five seater and set sail for Bugsy Malone's with Rihanna screaming "SUCK MY COCKINESS LICK MY PERSUASION" through the speakers. I know you can already tell this is going to be a good night. We get to the bar and tried our hardest not to let the fact that it was just now my 21st birthday because I had been going to that bar for about two months before that.

However, that went on for about two hours and then people started buying me shots and we started screaming "21 BITCHES!"
A pretty severe fight broke out while I was gettin' down and dirty on the dance floor with my poor boyfriend watching helplessly from his bouncer post by the bar. Beer mugs started flying, tables and chairs were kicked over, but all I cared about was the girl kickin' ass at Karaoke! No one noticed her but me! Someone pushed me down and I don't know who helped me up, but I am 95% positive I poked them STRAIGHT in the eye trying to keep my drink from spilling.

This is when things got blurry. The next thing I remember is my head hitting the bar after taking straight Rumplemintz for my 22nd shot.  Apparently I puked and rallied around shot number 19 and was a happy camper when a freshman gave me a ride home. When I took inventory on my team the next morning, I found out some pretty interesting things. One of my team mates blacked out and another one of my team mates picked her up dead weight and carried her to a cab. Jimbo slice said he was impressed. He also said she was in heels, which is really admirable! Apparently, a different team mate knocked on the door about two AM with her DD and I answered buck naked. (But hey, if I don't remember it, it didn't happen!) The poor guy driving her around said that she came in, peed, took off her heels and ear rings, and left. Which explained why heels and ear rings were on my couch.

Pictures later revealed that I almost won the hoola-hoop contest in a skirt, and they also revealed that I was wearing lovely Victoria Secret panties! Later in the day I found VIDEOS! Which featured me on the bathroom floor crying about something that had gotten on my hands, my team mate taking a massive shit, and my best friend from St. Louis/camera woman screaming for said team mate to "pinch it off!" and never take a shit at a bar again ALL AT THE SAME TIME. Then we found a video someone took asking me how it felt to finally be 21. I proceeded to reply by thanking Jesus and the bartender for the best night ever!

The next day I found 22 tallies, a penis, and a few initials drawn on my arm. I slammed a hamburger and texas fries, and spent the next two days in bed. All in all I say that my birthday bash was a HUGE success for everyone involved. Don't worry, 100% of my shots were mixed and 95% of my impaired decisions are not regretted.

Now, onto roomies birthday celebration. This is a good one too.

She is a trooper and took six shots at one in the afternoon while I was at my work out. So when I got home we were all stuffing our faces with frozen pizza and getting ready for the night ahead.  The plan was to start at a bar/grill and end up at another bar. Now, keep in mind my room mate is a pretty significant party girl and has accumulated A LOT of friends along the way. A good forty people showed up at the bar/grill and she had all 21 shots bought for her with documentation each time to boot. She was barely starting to feel it and since she was peer pressured to start over because it had been so long since the first shots, her arm tally meant she had 27 shots by nine PM. I stayed sober and witnessed the drunkeness in all of it's beautiful glory. We got 5 warnings to be quiet or we were going to get kicked out, and by that time we downright just didn't give a shit. Several buffalo dips, and fish bowl margaritas later a handful of people walked out on their checks and headed to the second location.  Of course Miss Center of Attention tried to get everyone to ditch and start a different party at her apartment that wasn't all about someone else, but everyone made it back to the bar within thirty minutes. After the minor melt down a couple of the girls that loathe Miss Center of Attention had, it really started to pick up. It is Christmas break and unfortunately I ran into a lot of people from High School and after Jimmy showed up I was tired of being the only sober one sitting in a bar. Roomie was on shot 40 and I figured I better get food in her STAT. I don't know how I did it, but I rounded up about 11 drunkards, and got them to Steak n Shake around midnight. There was screaming about seat arrangements, screaming about drunk driving, and screaming about needing cheese fries. One guy at the end of the table kept trying to start a fight with two guys two tables over. He also kept talking about how much he admired Jimmy's muscles. Which was a bit awkward. Three girls at the end other end of the table had tobacco in their lips and were trying to spit into cups, and another girl was asking the waiter if she could dance on a table for a free milk shake. I felt it to be a good trade but it was a no go.

Roomie lost her phone, found it, disappeared into the bathroom for a little too long, and then we made it back to the apartment. Sadly I passed out from dealing with drunk asses all night and apparently the girls stayed up watching a movie and raiding the fridge. I woke up to find a good friend on the couch and she had stolen MY comforter. I made pancakes for breakfast and then we all went back to sleep. My room mate went to a basketball game and then came back mid afternoon and slept until the next morning. She is borderline alcoholic, but I guess most people are around the age of 21.

Soooooo that's that.
Too much alcohol and a lot of birth celebration. Complete successes on both occasions.
I will never, EVER show fore mentioned videos to anyone. So don't try and google them because YOU WONT FIND THEM.

The always exciting: About me!!

Soooooo, my boyfriend blogs. He is really good at verbalizing his thoughts and feelings, alongside lifting information, and I thought WHAT THE HEY! I'll make one too! The funny part is I am not going to tell him. Writer extraordinaire I am not. Telling him about it would be CRAZY! You're crazy if you think I am ever going to breathe a word about this blog to anyone I know and love.
With that said, HERE WE GO!

Caitlin Mackenzie Chapin is the name and being insanely immature is my game.  I am loud and proud, and some would say I have a bangin' ass! (I don't agree, but that's neither here nor there)
I have been an athlete since early childhood when I used to climb onto high objects and JUMP OFF OF THEM!
Sport of choice is softball. Thinking about it recently I don't really know if I chose it as a child or if I just did it because I was good at it. However it happened, that's what happened.
I went through phases of loving and hating the game. I started competitive travel softball when I was eight years old. It was new and exciting and we went to places within two hours from where I lived. We always left early in the morning so I could sleep in the car and avoid my ADD. Then junior high showed up and I was getting to the point where I was old enough to toss play dates out the window and "hang out" with friends on the weekends. BUT, I was playing on the weekends so I felt like I was missing out. WHICH I WAS NOT HAPPY WITH! Soon High School barged into my life and I realized since Missouri high schools play softball in the fall season that I would hit my peak of AWESOME skills right around district and state championships. It was beautiful.
HOWEVER, junior and senior year rolled around and playing for fun became playing for a college scholarship. Which blows.
You may think it is just a dumb sport, but ask anyone, if you've played it all your life winning or losing decides how you feel about yourself for a solid week.
I traveled all around the stinkin' United States in a Honda CR-V playing in front of college coaches just to get an offer from the school in the city next to where I lived. Funny huh? I had another offer from a Division 1, but  my father and my aunt are alumni from this school so he pushed me for the hometown glory of it all. I friggin' love my father so I went for it! It wasn't a bad idea, but it wasn't a great one!
Freshman year I was culture shocked because I wasn't the ringor anymore. I sat the bench while three other freshman started. Ego=Blown.
Soooooooo that resulted in a catty uproar of team mates who gossiped and left miss Caitlin feeling left out. I became fed up right before summer vaca and called them out on it so of course it was squashed.
Sophomore year things were looking up! Team chemistry was good, physical fitness looking pretty decent. Then my potential position was SNATCHED from me in front of my very eyes, by a freshman with a golden glove. Ego=Double Blown. To top it all off, I was salvaging my dignity working my proverbial ass off as a back up catcher to pretend I wasn't PISSED OFF, received a severe concussion and declared by the Springfield News-Leader "out for the rest of the season". It was sarcastically wonderful.
ENTER Coach Jeremy Frey, formerly the number one power lifter in the world. This guy is an ass hole and a half but a pretty funny person once you get to know him.  Not only did he bring a can of ass-whoopin into the weight room he also brought SMOKIN' HOT interns with him! This is one of the people that kept me from throwing in the sweaty towel and trying my hand at being a regular student. Summer between sophomore and junior year I decided to get down and dirty. (In other words, Coach Frey told me to) No more failing grades, no more feeling sorry for myself, no more injuries. I was going to become a softball goddess if it killed me. After all, I am getting paid to go to school for it. Might as well be good at what you do right?! Low and behold I lost 20 pounds, quit smoking cigarettes, FINALLY passed a run test and brown nosed THE SHIT out of my coaches!
Landing me where I am today! WHOOT WHOOT!
So there ya go, the complete background of how Caitlin Chapin became a broke as a joke student athlete at Missouri State University.

Don't get it twisted. Some of what I have written on here may put growing up an athlete and collegiate athletics in a bad lighting. It is actually pretty darn great. If you count the numerous life long friendships and memories you make. The pride of being something greater than an ordinary person, at least that's what we like to think ;). As well as the accomplished feeling you get after all of the successes you accumulate. I wouldn't trade it for the world. I just want you all to know that no one really tells you how F*&%$#@ HARD it is.

Anywho, right now I am recently 21! In my second semester of Junior year working toward an Exercise and Movement Science major. Don't bother asking me what I am planning to do with it because I have no frickin frackin clue. I live with one of my best friends from High School in a two bedroom apartment on the south side. I have a ridiculously good looking and obnoxiously polite boy toy who is an intern in the weight room and a door man at my favorite bar. Unfortunately, the whole intern thing put us in a sticky situation with Frey a few months ago but that is another story for another day. He tells me I am beautiful often, and gets REALLY cranky when he is hungry. So naturally I adore him. It has been really great, he showed up right after my life took a nose dive into the abyss sophomore year in college. During that whole "lost my position, got a concussion" thing. So don't tell anybody but he really saved my butt during that one. Kept me smiling through it all.
I have a beautiful all american family. My mother is a teacher here in the city, my father is a financial adviser at a local bank, I am a division 1 athlete and my older sister is in her last year of Law School. Isn't that precious! I drive the CR-V mentioned earlier and her name is Sally. She runs like a piece, but I love her unconditionally. It is all wonderful/jam packed/stressful/beautiful. I am an emotional wreck and MAJOR drama queen most of the time so I think this whole blog nonsense might help me sort some of that out.
I like to think of myself as a fairly funny person, and I crack myself up on a daily basis. Just ask my Jimmy boy he laughs with me too, sometimes even at me!
I hope who ever has taken time out of their day to read all of the words that I typed into this New Blog Post box, enjoyed the time they more than likely wasted.
I enjoyed telling my partial life story. I am pretty sure I touched on all of the important things. Things you will need to know if you intend on reading any other of my award winning entries.


Don't get too excited. This blog has absolutely no rhyme or reason to it. It will more than likely be rants and raves of my every day life.

There it is.
About me, in all of it's shining glory.
Glad you stopped by.
See ya later alligator,
CC

Post Script: Please forgive the multiple misspelled words and incorrect grammar you might come across.