ROAD TRIP!!!! Bitches style Part 2

Alright listen up. I am only going to say this once.
This is the first time I have gotten a chance to blog since part 1, so I am going to be completely honest. There is a strong possibility that I don't remember the events exactly as they happened. So if you were involved in this certain vaca to the other side of the river. Then just go with it.

Sooooo where was I? Oh yes, day three. Here we go.
After a full night of festivities at "Old Folks Central Station"... my roomie and I just couldn't sleep in another second knowing that we were wasting our vacation. So we awoke with a vengeance and googled the nearest, fattiest food that we could. For those of you that haven't had the pleasure of working with a GPS, then you don't know how it feels to figure out where your damn destination actually is because the way it looks on the screen makes you think that where you want to go is in the middle of the fucking freeway. We found the Original Pancake house a bit of a trek off of the freeway, thank goodness, and seated ourselves for a feast.
When they say everything is bigger in Texas, they probably mean it. All I can tell you is the roads are bigger, and so are the frickin' frackin' omelets. It was bigger than my head. I can't speak for everything else that occupies the state because I wasn't there long enough for full research. Sadly it wasn't a franchise and it didn't have to go orders. The other vacation occupants had to settle for Chic-fil-a.
Day three is really the kicker. This is when we hit downtown for realzies and had authentic Mexican cuisine. This is also where the margaritas that can kick you in the face come in. Cross my heart hope to die! There is a two drink minimum on those bitches! Luckily we all are light weighted whores and were pretty tipsy when we left Casa de something or other. (Not being rude I really just don't remember the name.)
While I was in the Lonestar State, I made an observation. People in the midwest are FAT. Texans keep their girlish figures because when they hit downtown they WALK everywhere. So weird.
So to make a long story short, if you walk around bouncers try to get you in the bars and offer to pay for your first drink. In other words if you go in, have your first drink and leave at every bar you go to. Then you can get out chocolate wasted scott free!!
I am pretty sure there was a short visit to a gay bar, and the bouncer wanted to marry my best friend. Which confused me, but whatev's. I am honestly surprised that I am not permanently crippled from all of the walking in four inch heels.
Don't judge, they make my legs look good!
I would also like to let you in on a little secret...If you haggle with the bartenders then you can get five dollar shots down to 2.50 a piece. Don't ask me how I did it. I just may be that smokin' hot.  Or drunk enough to not realize there might not have been alcohol in the drinks. WHO THE FUCK KNOWS!

Getting back to the house each of us realized that maybe three days in Texas was just enough. Not to mention the fact that I was so hungover I worried that I was blind for a good two and a half minutes. We all decided to clean up the house, stop by Grandma's, and grab Panda Express to hit the road!
Grandma was lovely and her stew was even lovelier. I wish that I wasn't on the verge of vodka induced cardiac arrest. We would have stayed and visited longer.
Oh did I forget to mention that I mowed the lawn before we left?
Yeah.
The ride home was a complete and utter blur. Except for the weirdos that hit on us at a gas station in Oklahoma. For some reason after they asked to party with us I felt the need to tell them "maybe tomorrow". Don't ask me why. This bitch was spent.
Slap happy kicked in about one in the morning and we were laughing about the stupidest shit. Also on the verge of shitting our pants from the tequila. Or maybe I should just speak for myself. Roomie and I made it back about three am and I think that it took us another week to recover.
That was the point though. To party hard and leave it all in Austin. Although, in this case, what happens in Austin definitely didn't stay in Austin.

ROAD TRIP!! Bitches Style, Part 1

Alright folks...it's about that time. Time for me to open up about the trip to Austin, Texas. Where the whataburgers are hot and the houses are big. Where you can get kicked in the face by margarita's and have guacamole made right in front of your eyes. It's a beautiful city.

If you are ever wondering if you would fit in there, then don't you fret because there is something for everyone down south! As long as you can maneuver your way through a forest of overpasses and a toll road every five seconds then you are set to have the time of your life. Luckily we were prepared for the toll part. I had an unfortunate run in with an automatic toll road in Oklahoma once and it didn't end well. Make sure however much, or little, you wear you always have pockets full of change.

On to the good stuff. I know what you're thinking. That Springfield, MO to Austin, Tx is a bitch of a car ride, but if you have two pounds of Twizzlers and Cheddar Rice Cakes you can turn it into a blast. If you're like me then you will drink so much water that if you laughed too hard at any point in time then you could piss your panties.
We left Thursday morning and made it across the Lone Star state line by lunch time. Which meant we needed to find a Jack N' the Box, and we needed to find it fast!  Luckily there was a gas station that didn't look too shady for a potty break and directions. I think we offended them by asking where the fast food was because they made barbecue there. Sorry sista' we want a place where you can get tacos, egg rolls, and  burgers all at once. We needed to coat our stomachs with as much grease as possible, seeing as we were about to ingest an ungodly amount of alcohol. The station attendant gave me puppy dog eyes and the old men sitting down for lunch checked out our asses. So we had to split....
After some tacos and burgers we were almost to Dallas. HOLY FUCKING TRAFFIC.
Don't worry, we had a GPS. Even though every single highway had construction we made it out alive.
Barely.
Three hours to Austin and we were getting anxious! We had decided that we were going to party like the world was ending this year. Which was a sensible thing since someone told me it might. So I went with it and vowed to drink myself to oblivion.
My friend's mom was kind enough to let us stay in their empty house in a little town right outside of Austin. I honestly was one day away from saying "Fuck it I am staying."

We unloaded our shit and started getting ready. We had to tease our hair and pick out just the right outfit because we were about to hit the liquor store. We needed to bring our A game. Sadly Ace Liquor didn't have any Burnett's! Or any other place around Austin. I guess Texans don't appreciate cheap ass vodka like we do. Nine fifths and a wal mart run later we were set for the entire trip!
Honestly I don't really remember what happened directly after that, but I know that we ended up at a Dentist's mansion eating borderline raw hamburgers and trying to figure out how we were so fucked up. Oh yeah, there was a huge dog. That peed when I tried to pet it...
I have the worst luck with pets.
As a side note, the dentist was precious and worked so hard to make our burgers. We ate them to be polite. Also to keep from dying of alcohol poisoning! So we killed two birds with one stone!

We ended up at home and passed out at who knows what time, and woke up Friday morning feeling like a diesel truck ran us all over. Which is to be expected.
Those poor bathrooms, there were only two of them worthy of getting ready in and we were all PMS'ing. Definitely interesting.
We met up with a friend and hit the mall. I don't know about the other girls but I know that I beat the SHIT out of my bank account at that place. I would just like to say that you are INSANE if you walk away from a purple lacy push up bra for three dollars.
Anyway, I peed a total of four times in the mall and three more at the Longhorn Steakhouse we went to. They even messed up an order and we got free chili cheese fries! Christmas all over again!!!
This was the night we decided to go to a place called Graham Central Station. Which is a magical building with six different kind of bars under one roof. Who thinks of that shit?!
Even though they preauthorize your credit card for fifty bucks if you open a tab, it is totally worth it. We danced our asses off with the elderly! Well, to me over 28 is old. No offense to any readers over the hill.
My room mate made a Texan fall in love with her and I seriously considered dancing in the cage. Even though I was drunk I knew that it might have been bad considering I was wearing a skirt. So instead I took advantage of the fact the the DJ was a perv and gave him a bit of a booty dance for him to play Teach Me How to Dougie. Sorry Jimbob I love my Cali Swag District! ;)
However, I would like to say that men in Texas are no where near as generous as the men in Missouri. Play your cards right, east of the red river you can get over five drinks purchased for you in one night. Not happennin' in Te-has. So we had to dish out for our own beers, damnit.

Please believe that we came back and I had the munchies so bad I almost consumed an entire box of cheese itz. Thank goodness I held it all down because that would NOT have been good coming back up. Cheese never is.
So that was two days into the trip. My wrists are tired from typing so you can just kiss my ass and I will post Part 2 in a while.
Stay fuckin' tuned.

Wooooowwwwww....

Okay people, I am going to let you in on a little secret about me. I have an addiction. 

Don't worry! It's not meth or anything, I would like to keep my youth AND my teeth! 

My name is Caitlin Mackenzie Chapin and I am addicted to Infomercials. 

I can sit on the couch for hours and hours watching them if I let myself. There is just something about seeing a blender that can chop up concrete. Or seeing a brunette commercial actress that is endorsing a fancy schmancy potato peeler, try and make doing it the old fashioned way seem harder than splitting fire wood with your bare hands! It just makes me feel all tingly inside. 

I have dreams about George Foreman grills, and fantasies about waking up to a foreign man and his blonde wife in a halter top whipping me up breakfast, lunch, dinner, and cocktails in a Magic Bullet ALL AT THE SAME TIME! 

But I have a favorite kind of Infomercial. The ones that really get me going are the diet and exercise ones! I love watching the fitness models use a Bowflex, or a NordicTrack treadmill. 

Although, some of them get me more pissed off than a Homophobe getting his ass grabbed by a drag queen!

The one that I watched a little bit ago downright burned my grits! It's called the Six Week Body Makeover!  Their slogan is "Eat more! Work out less!", and one of the testimonials was raving about the fact that she lost thirty pounds on the program without any exercise at all. Don't get too excited because this woman was over three hundred pounds, her bones and joints were probably so excited she quit eating whole pizzas they burned the calories for her! 

Oh my dear sweet baby Jesus! I didn't know that we had commercials geared toward the laziest pieces of shit in the world! 

THAT'S RIGHT! I said it... lazy pieces of shit. Go ahead and let that sink in!  

Don't get your panties in a knot just yet because I am absolutely not trying to be a bitch. If you know me, then you also know that I have gone from athlete to Chunk-a-Lunk and back. I cannot stand it when people bitch and moan about the fact that they need to lose weight. The complete and utter fact is, that losing weight is not a difficult concept. If you feel the need to do so, then get off your bum and do it! Unless you have a health problem that prevents you from making it happen, it is far from rocket science. 

For the record, I am going to tell you that I am human. I admit that I bitch and moan my fair share. Running hurts, and working out doesn't feel too great sometimes either, but if I come to the reality that I need to kick Ronald Mcdonald in the ass and tell him to leave me alone and then hit the pavement. I will. I don't think I will be spending over one hundred dollars of my hard earned booze money on a body make over kit that basically tells you to eat right and get your body moving. It saddens me to see that experts are resorting to marketing towards the lazy ass holes. 

 

So now that I think about it, I lied to you. In the beginning of this post I told you I was going to let you in on one secret. That isn't true, I am going to let you in on as many stinkin' diet and exercise secrets that I know. I am going to spill my guts all over the floor. 

Before I get started I should probably mention something you already know. There are healthy ways of losing weight, and there are unhealthy ways of losing weight. I am sure that if you are educated enough to read my blog and comprehend the words I am typing, then you are educated enough to know that going on a Green Tea diet with only Cyan Pepper and Maple Syrup might be a bit of a DUMB. ASS. IDEA. 

Secret number 1: The equation to losing weight is so freakin' simple!! If calories consumed is less than calories burned then you will lose weight. Burn 500 calories a week and you will lose one pound. Don't be an impatient son of a bitch, losing weight is a marathon not a sprint! 

Secret number 2: You can't starve yourself or your body will store fat as a survival instinct. Feed your body regularly and it won't hold onto anything as an emergency resource. Train your body to work for you! We have a little something called a metabolism! It's like a car! It won't run unless you put gas in it! DUH!

Secret number 3: If you want to look tone you have to build at least a little bit of muscle! Ladies, muscle is a good thing! I promise you lifting a little bit won't turn you into Arnold whatever his name is. (I am not even going to try and spell that one) Another thing about muscle is that it burns fat right along with your metabolism!  So you burn calories all the time. 

I will give you a second to clean up the room, since I more than likely just blew your mind. 

Secret number 4: To build the muscle I just told you about, you will need PROTEIN. Just eating fruits and vegetables alone won't get you anywhere. It will just make you want to break and enter Krispy Kreme. Go ahead and have a steak. It is a good thing! 

Secret number 5: Your body needs a little bit of fat too... This one is a tricky one. You want the good fats like nuts and fish! Not saturated. CHECK LABELS. As a side note, eating out at restaurants means you will more than likely be eating every single kind of unwanted fat there is known to man. Fat is a pathway for flavor, so think about it. 

Secret number 6: If you are working out like a fiend for a few weeks and starting to feel sluggish and weak, then it is probably about time for a rest and recovery week. If you have heard that exercise releases endorphins and promotes a happier lifestyle, then you should know that over exercising can have the complete OPPOSITE effect on your body. It could make you weak, irritable, and depressed. Make sure that you realize getting healthy is a process. You can't put a time frame on it. Just make realistic and healthy goals. Don't worry if you get anxious, please believe that Jimmer has to ban me from the scale sometimes. 

Secret number 7: Drinking water before a meal fills up your stomach and keeps you from eating that entire dinner portion of chicken alfredo pasta at Olive Garden. Trust me, I had to resort to this because I could bathe in that damn alfredo sauce. Drinking water also helps your metabolism, along with helping you feel better during work outs. Holy shit, water is a BAMF if you think about it! 

Secret number 8: Don't do the same work out every day, of every week, of every year. It won't work. You need to up the intensity every so often. Unless it's a recovery week, your work outs should always be difficult. If your body gets use to doing something it will stop burning calories to do it! Switch it up! I know you look like a graceful ballerina on the Elliptical at the gym but do something effective.  

Secret number 9: This one isn't as world rocking as the other secrets but I still like it a lot. You need vegetables so I know you are going to make an effort to eat more salad. So make sure you get ALL dressings on the side and dip each bite in a little bit. You will use less than 1/2 of the dressing you were probably going to eat if you dumped the whole cup on there. Try it one time and you will see. You will probably not even use a tablespoon. 

Secret number 10: Unless I think of anymore of these gems in the next couple days, this is the last secret I am going to throw at you tonight. It is really important, SO EYES AND EARS OPEN BITCHES! 

Here goes...

One day a week it is good to eat whatever the fudge you want! Like secret number 8 your metabolism needs a challenge once in a while. Declare a cheat day and eat until you burst. Not only will it help your metabolism it will help your sanity. You won't ever have to assume the fetal position in a corner at midnight trying to keep the chocolate cake demons away again. 

There you have it. Ten secrets to help you lose weight. Weird how it includes working out right?! Heaven forbid we have to work for something once in our lives! Now if you haven't noticed already I may be a classy lady, but I am NOT by any means an expert. I have accumulated these secrets from my health classes at Missouri State, Coach Frey, our athletic registered Dietitian, as well as fitness magazines. I have them because I have used them and have gotten results from them.

So if you happen to be able to prove me wrong on any of this information PLEASE do so. I would like to know that truth as well! 

Overall I enjoy working out and being in shape, and frankly everyone should. That's just my opinion. 

I always love to refer to my all time favorite movie, because my dad likes to pull this line on me when I am complaining about something myself...

It is from "A League of Their Own" Dot tells the manager Jimmy Dugan that she is quitting the team because "it just got too hard!"... So Jimmy stares her down and says "The hard... is what makes it great." 

Makes me want to kick my dad in the face, but it's real deep stuff. 

Think it over.

The cat is out of the bag

On a side note I ended up telling Big Time Timmy Jim about my blog.

I am such a friggin' big mouth.

Never mind here they are...

I told you in my last post about New Years that I couldn't show the pictures from the night because they are just too ridiculous...

Well I changed my mind
Here are a few

This is the most flattering one I think...

I mentioned the Periodic Table of Elements, and I wasn't lying...

Jimbo slice said I sent this to him with the caption "Where the fukc am I?!"

This hangover one is nice too:

Taken at waffle house. After I stuffed down breakfast burritos because I was still semi Schwasted.
Funny story about this waffle house.
My room mate drove and made me hold the spit cup from last night because she assumed I would be able to throw it away when we got there. Not only did I proceed to scream about why it was taking so long to get to the waffle house, there were no trash cans within a 50,000 meter radius. So I snuck around back to litter. I bent over and set the cup down by the wall and when I looked up I caught eyes with a cook out for a smoke break. We stared each other down for a while, and then I nodded and left. Leaving the cup.

Hope these were enjoyable.

HOLY HANGOVER BATMAN

It's a new year, and once again I am regrettably holed up on the couch trying to keep the box of macaroni that I just forced down my throat from coming back to say hello...
I have been watching Law and Order all day trying to figure out why I would ever consume the amount of alcohol that I chose to last night. Regret, regret, regret. There is a Karaoke video on Facebook, and the remains of Taco Bell's Volcano Nachos on my dress from last night.

It started out like any ordinary night, we hit the Hyvee for a little liquor, the gas station for a mixer, then headed to meet some friends. Burnett's Limeade and Hi-C mixes beautifully, just an FYI. I didn't eat anything for dinner so guess who was a drunk bitch before nine PM! Ding ding ding! That's right, THIS GIRL. We hit taco bell the first time shortly after my friends forced me to put a Skoal pouch in my lip. They were laughing while I was screaming from how much a newly discovered canker sore was burning. We parked downtown and I think that is when the T-Bell kicked in and I was sobering up a bit.
I hope you're wondering where we were at this point in the story because I sure am! All I know is that this morning Jim showed me a picture I sent him of a shower curtain that featured the Periodic Table of Elements. Yeah... I don't know where that could be either. Funny part is that I more than likely took that picture while on the pot. I like to keep things classy. I DO know that I was seriously excited! My room mate and I won a couple rounds of beer pong!!.....Okay fine. It was one round of beer pong and we won by default. DOESN'T MATTER THOUGH! A W is a W.
Good grief I am getting off track. So anyway, I remember tripping on a paintbrush, meeting a dog named Homey, and trying to get my room mate to let me walk to the bar where Jimbob was. I wasn't really feeling the house party they were going to make an appearance at.
They dropped me off and Jimmy says that I was a flirty pop tart all night. So I kissed my big fella at midnight and it was BEAUTIFUL! After that is when the shots started flowing. My room mate pulled the Birthday card on a couple of drunk douche bags and I quit counting the lake water shots. Singing BYE BYE BYE for the entire bar and kissing a couple door men on the cheeks finished off a GREEEEAAATTT night. We hit Taco Bell for the second time and I think that I spent almost twenty dollars. Which makes me mad because I didn't even get to digest it. Somehow we made it back to the apartment and when James got home he said I was a sight. I cussed him out and spoke gibberish before passing out. He woke up to lift this morning and I didn't even roll over until he got back.
So as you can see it was another HUGE SUCCESS of a night and a hell of a way to ring in the new year. I wish I had the courage to put the pics I have on here, but they are just too ridiculous.
So I would like to leave you with a text message that I sent last night.
"So here is the dizeal. I am already drunk un its only nine. I had a quindd volcano taco and it makes u want to pinch the shit out os someone."
Jimmer enjoyed that. \