Ahem...you want me to run how much?!

It is currently 11:45 PM and I drank so much stinkin' tea that my eyes feel like they are glued open. Naturally I am utilizing this free time to update and creep on any and every social networking site that I am a part of.
I was thinking about blogging, and wondering if there was a good one out there about an athlete just living out their life trying to stay healthy and blah blah blah.  I came across some random boring as hell blogger who happened to write one tidbit of interesting info. It was six things that High School Athlete parents should know. About recruiting and scholarships and all that jazz. Considering that my first few posts are 75.23% lists, I feel the need to write another one.
A list of things athletes should know that they DO NOT tell you on recruiting trips!

Here we go.

First one:
If you think you can have friends outside of your team then you are sadddddly mistaken. Some people can do it! They can maintain relationships outside of the circle of bondage that is a college team. I believe that is extremely difficult. Let us add this up.
The NCAA allows 20 hours per week for the team. That leaves 148 hours in a week to yourself. Hopefully you try to get AT LEAST six hours of sleep each night which takes away 36 hours from your week. Minus the twelve hours you will be in class. Just hypothetically you take an hour to eat at each meal that leaves 79 hours to yourself. Subtract an hour a day you take to be a woman...shower, rinse, condition, shave your legs, wash your face, and brush your teeth. (Assuming that most women do that everyday).
Someone said something about doing homework in college, so if you take the time to do that you are at about 65 hours. GOOD GRIEF this is adding up! I am definitely a napper so I take about three hours out of the week for me to be flat on my face drooling on my pillow. We are at 62 hours and still subtracting people. Say that you spend about an hour with friends a day, that brings us down to 55. SHEESH that is a low number.
Please don't argue that you spend at least two hours a day on Facebook, dragging us down to 41 friggin' hours.
According to my calculations as a student athlete you have less than 48 hours to shoot the shit with your besties. Now if you actually studied the recommended amout that number would only be 33. Not to mention the extra time you burn to stay after practice and take extra reps. Or the physical therapy you may have to drag your ass to if you really go all out in practice everyday. Sometimes you get lucky and have a friend from high school in your class you'd like to study with. Which is nice, but when the semester is over better get a goodbye hug!
Hate to break it to ya sister, but take a good look around the locker room, when everyone is dressed of course!! Because if it isn't a holiday break you won't see anyone other than those girlies right there. Better break it to your mom easy...

Second one:
Unless you are willing to give up every kind of social interaction on the planet, then you better brace yourself for a 3.0 or below. There ARE those people that can sit in class half asleep and seem to absorb the information through their skin, and ace the tests without blinking an eye. But for the rest of us dumb asses that actually need to go over the material, we my friend are screwed. Hmmmmm, get so trashed you don't remember your name with the baseball team or stay in and study with your cat? Decisions decisions!

Third one:
Has anyone told you life is hard? Yeah well they should say that life is hard and then college athletics is harder. Just thinking about conditioning days just makes your stomach turn over and your eyes well up in tears. Keep in mind that when those coaches are buying you dinner, they are also wondering if you have what it takes to pass their run test when you come back from breaks. They run you until you are blind, make you lift weights until your hamstrings are so tight they could snap at any second, and then tell you its time for practice! All that  might be a bit of an exaggeration but  it's pretty spot on about how I feel most of the time.
I wasn't a napper until I got here. Now I lay down and take a snooze every thirty minutes I get the chance. Please believe that the Walgreens attendent probably thinks I am stocking up on Ibuprofen for a mass suicide or something. Although, if they make us do ten half gasers again then that just might be the case.

Fourth one:
This is something that is DEFINITELY not discussed in the contract.
Playing time.
You're not in Kansas anymore honey. Now you are in the big leagues and everyone is just as big as you are. Now if comes down to who stays at practice longer and whoever produces the most. It depends from coach to coach but it is a difficult thing to watch someone play your position and not know why they chose them instead of you.
OH and DO NOT ask how can you get more playing time. That is selfish. Ask what can you do to be a better player. It doesn't make you sound as much like an ass hole. This is something that I learned the hard way. I know the drill now that I am a junior, but freshman year that was a HARRRRD pill to swallow.

Fifth one:
If you are low on money. Don't even consider a job. We calculated the free time in a week. You know it's not possible so just forget it. Mommy and daddy are your source of cash now. So good luck with that!
So that's that. The ins and outs of being a college athlete.
After proofreading that, I feel a little depressed. I think it's time for the reasons you absolutely SHOULD be a college athlete.
They don't mention this shit either, or they might I don't really know. I only went on like two visits and both were prettttty shitty.

Being as close as you are to your team can get a bit ridiculous. Like mooning people on the bus during road trips, and making up dances to video and put on Youtube.
You always have drinking buddies, and you always will have someone to see that new movie with! Your poor boyfriend will most likely be hanging out with you and your team more than anyone and he will surprisingly love it. You will always have those stories about who ate shit at practice or who got their car broken into in the parking lot during practice.
Classes are fifty times better with a team mate and don't forget the lunch buddy possibilities.
You make friends and tell them things you haven't even told your childhood bestie. They don't judge or scold they just laugh along with you about that hook up you may or may not have had over fall break. There are always at least five other people around to make fun of the coach with you, and you will never be lonely when it's a snow day.
Most importantly as much as you struggle through the week. Through weights, and practice, and team meetings. They are struggling right along with you. Everyone else is in the same boat headed to the same place. Which is comforting to know especially since its a rough ride.
So when you go on the trips to see if you really want to go to that college, don't worry about whether you will make it there or not. If you really want to be an athlete you will be. Humans do crazy things for something they want.
Make sure that you can talk to the people you will basically, and/or literally be living with for the next four years. Because if you can't, THAT will be the ONLY reason you wouldn't make it.
I know you think it might be the time your team gets caught drinking that does you in, but it isn't as bad as you think it will be. Don't ask me how I know.

Mother of pearl
It's almost one.
Dueces!

Quit that sniffing I'm trying to take a test!!

Sometimes I go through life and shit happens that is just a gigantic pain in my ass. Which is a serious situation if you know me. Considering my ass by itself is pretty big. Most of it involves being a college student. I can yap my gums all day about what makes me want to hurl myself through a plate glass window to end my ongoing misery. 

Although, some things are small that really just make me laugh. Like the times when you're trying to get your key in the door before you shit your pants. Or you try and finish opening that package before you itch your eye, but you just end up dropping what you're doing and almost gauging your eye out because it was itching so bad! So for now let's just focus on the major pain in the ass shit. 

Locking your keys in your car right before you have to be somewhere. 

Please believe I have done this a time or two, but this years incident was a doooooozy! I was all packed up to head to the school for a softball trip this fall. However, what happened next I couldn't explain even if I tried. Somehow I ended up with my keys and every bag I packed locked up tight. Talk about a "fuck me" moment right? Poor Jimmy boy was fast asleep at seven in the morning when I burst into the room screaming like someone just mugged me. I kind of wish that a mugging was the case. It wasn't, and he is always ready to help so he threw on my hoodie and shoes to come out to help. The best part was that my hoodie was about six sizes too small, the sleeves barely went past his elbow. 

I would say that the call to my coach was the next highlight. "There is a slight possibility that my keys and everything I own found it's way into my car and doesn't want to come out..." 

She pretty much just told me to get them out or I couldn't go. Which was just friggin' frackin' perfect. 

This emotional bitch just let the tears flow. I would NOT be good in any kind of real crisis. I would be paralyzed with whimpers. Long story short, the bus made a house call to my apartment and I spent 75 bones for some grandma to break into my car. 

#FAIL 

Starting to use the restroom 2.5 seconds before you look over and realize there is ZERO toilet paper. 

This moment doesn't need any explanation. Other than the fact that you better have some poor bastard within ear shot to come in and smell your business to give you some toilet tissue. 

Getting a parking ticket when you park in the illegal spot for LITERALLY FIVE MINUTES!

Most of the time the reason I park illegally is that I am extremely late for something and I need to get shit done. So coming back out to see that some ass hole is going to make me pay thirty bucks for a 6 by 10 foot piece of ASPHALT, (P.S I had to ask Jimbob how to spell that. I just typed assfault, because that is how it sounds)  really makes me want to find the nearest security guard and junk punch them.

Eight AM classes. 

I told my mother that I would go easy on the F word in my blog so I can't really elaborate on this one, but you know how I probably feel. 

Classes on any floor higher than the second.

I once had a Chemistry lab on the fourth floor of Temple Hall. Two flights per floor so that means my ass was draggin' up eight flights of stairs. Calves cramping, quads burning and everything. 

I was basically crawling by the time I got to the top. Some dick hole also decided to make the book almost ten pounds. Good lord now that I think about it Chemistry was just an over-all hellish experience. 

I had to take a break before I went in to keep my rep as an athlete. Consume some water, maybe blot a little sweat. I could waltz into the classroom like "What's up guys? Those man eating stairs didn't phase me one gosh darn bit!"

Walking around campus in the pouring rain with absolutely no drainage.

This is literally like river jumping!!  If you don't make it you are going to have to roll up your pant legs the rest of the day. Also forget about socks. They won't last two seconds in that kind of weather. When it is raining cats and dogs outside, you have a choice to make. You can look like a bad ass and get soaking wet, or you can be the douche bag that uses an umbrella, or you can just stay home. Rain shouldn't be taken lightly. 

I usually go with the last one. 

People that ride bicycles around campus. 

Last semester my leg was mangled by a speeding bicyclist and ever since I have wanted to clothes-line every mother sucker that rides by. 

I can remember it was like it was yesterday.  

I was just walking along, changing the song on my ipod when all of a sudden I look up and get my ass plowed by a blonde bitch on a bike. The chain cut up my ankle and I think I may have punched the air in fright, and accidentally landed my right fish near her left kidney. She may or may not have slammed to the ground. It was so traumatic it's still a little fuzzy. 

The worst part about it was that the skank had the nerve to ring her little bell, like I was in the way! GAHHHH I am still bitter about it. I didn't even notice my ankle was gushing blood because I was trying to flee the scene before anyone I knew saw me. Ruined some perfectly good converse. There should be a law against cycling on campus. Or at least a speed limit damnit!! 

There ya go. All the reasons I hate my life while on campus. Plus a couple extra things that I am sure everyone can relate to. 

Just thinking about it all makes me want to burn a bicycle.