Alright folks...it's about that time. Time for me to open up about the trip to Austin, Texas. Where the whataburgers are hot and the houses are big. Where you can get kicked in the face by margarita's and have guacamole made right in front of your eyes. It's a beautiful city.
If you are ever wondering if you would fit in there, then don't you fret because there is something for everyone down south! As long as you can maneuver your way through a forest of overpasses and a toll road every five seconds then you are set to have the time of your life. Luckily we were prepared for the toll part. I had an unfortunate run in with an automatic toll road in Oklahoma once and it didn't end well. Make sure however much, or little, you wear you always have pockets full of change.
On to the good stuff. I know what you're thinking. That Springfield, MO to Austin, Tx is a bitch of a car ride, but if you have two pounds of Twizzlers and Cheddar Rice Cakes you can turn it into a blast. If you're like me then you will drink so much water that if you laughed too hard at any point in time then you could piss your panties.
We left Thursday morning and made it across the Lone Star state line by lunch time. Which meant we needed to find a Jack N' the Box, and we needed to find it fast! Luckily there was a gas station that didn't look too shady for a potty break and directions. I think we offended them by asking where the fast food was because they made barbecue there. Sorry sista' we want a place where you can get tacos, egg rolls, and burgers all at once. We needed to coat our stomachs with as much grease as possible, seeing as we were about to ingest an ungodly amount of alcohol. The station attendant gave me puppy dog eyes and the old men sitting down for lunch checked out our asses. So we had to split....
After some tacos and burgers we were almost to Dallas. HOLY FUCKING TRAFFIC.
Don't worry, we had a GPS. Even though every single highway had construction we made it out alive.
Barely.
Three hours to Austin and we were getting anxious! We had decided that we were going to party like the world was ending this year. Which was a sensible thing since someone told me it might. So I went with it and vowed to drink myself to oblivion.
My friend's mom was kind enough to let us stay in their empty house in a little town right outside of Austin. I honestly was one day away from saying "Fuck it I am staying."
We unloaded our shit and started getting ready. We had to tease our hair and pick out just the right outfit because we were about to hit the liquor store. We needed to bring our A game. Sadly Ace Liquor didn't have any Burnett's! Or any other place around Austin. I guess Texans don't appreciate cheap ass vodka like we do. Nine fifths and a wal mart run later we were set for the entire trip!
Honestly I don't really remember what happened directly after that, but I know that we ended up at a Dentist's mansion eating borderline raw hamburgers and trying to figure out how we were so fucked up. Oh yeah, there was a huge dog. That peed when I tried to pet it...
I have the worst luck with pets.
As a side note, the dentist was precious and worked so hard to make our burgers. We ate them to be polite. Also to keep from dying of alcohol poisoning! So we killed two birds with one stone!
We ended up at home and passed out at who knows what time, and woke up Friday morning feeling like a diesel truck ran us all over. Which is to be expected.
Those poor bathrooms, there were only two of them worthy of getting ready in and we were all PMS'ing. Definitely interesting.
We met up with a friend and hit the mall. I don't know about the other girls but I know that I beat the SHIT out of my bank account at that place. I would just like to say that you are INSANE if you walk away from a purple lacy push up bra for three dollars.
Anyway, I peed a total of four times in the mall and three more at the Longhorn Steakhouse we went to. They even messed up an order and we got free chili cheese fries! Christmas all over again!!!
This was the night we decided to go to a place called Graham Central Station. Which is a magical building with six different kind of bars under one roof. Who thinks of that shit?!
Even though they preauthorize your credit card for fifty bucks if you open a tab, it is totally worth it. We danced our asses off with the elderly! Well, to me over 28 is old. No offense to any readers over the hill.
My room mate made a Texan fall in love with her and I seriously considered dancing in the cage. Even though I was drunk I knew that it might have been bad considering I was wearing a skirt. So instead I took advantage of the fact the the DJ was a perv and gave him a bit of a booty dance for him to play Teach Me How to Dougie. Sorry Jimbob I love my Cali Swag District! ;)
However, I would like to say that men in Texas are no where near as generous as the men in Missouri. Play your cards right, east of the red river you can get over five drinks purchased for you in one night. Not happennin' in Te-has. So we had to dish out for our own beers, damnit.
Please believe that we came back and I had the munchies so bad I almost consumed an entire box of cheese itz. Thank goodness I held it all down because that would NOT have been good coming back up. Cheese never is.
So that was two days into the trip. My wrists are tired from typing so you can just kiss my ass and I will post Part 2 in a while.
Stay fuckin' tuned.
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