Don't worry! It's not meth or anything, I would like to keep my youth AND my teeth!
My name is Caitlin Mackenzie Chapin and I am addicted to Infomercials.
I can sit on the couch for hours and hours watching them if I let myself. There is just something about seeing a blender that can chop up concrete. Or seeing a brunette commercial actress that is endorsing a fancy schmancy potato peeler, try and make doing it the old fashioned way seem harder than splitting fire wood with your bare hands! It just makes me feel all tingly inside.
I have dreams about George Foreman grills, and fantasies about waking up to a foreign man and his blonde wife in a halter top whipping me up breakfast, lunch, dinner, and cocktails in a Magic Bullet ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
But I have a favorite kind of Infomercial. The ones that really get me going are the diet and exercise ones! I love watching the fitness models use a Bowflex, or a NordicTrack treadmill.
Although, some of them get me more pissed off than a Homophobe getting his ass grabbed by a drag queen!
The one that I watched a little bit ago downright burned my grits! It's called the Six Week Body Makeover! Their slogan is "Eat more! Work out less!", and one of the testimonials was raving about the fact that she lost thirty pounds on the program without any exercise at all. Don't get too excited because this woman was over three hundred pounds, her bones and joints were probably so excited she quit eating whole pizzas they burned the calories for her!
Oh my dear sweet baby Jesus! I didn't know that we had commercials geared toward the laziest pieces of shit in the world!
THAT'S RIGHT! I said it... lazy pieces of shit. Go ahead and let that sink in!
Don't get your panties in a knot just yet because I am absolutely not trying to be a bitch. If you know me, then you also know that I have gone from athlete to Chunk-a-Lunk and back. I cannot stand it when people bitch and moan about the fact that they need to lose weight. The complete and utter fact is, that losing weight is not a difficult concept. If you feel the need to do so, then get off your bum and do it! Unless you have a health problem that prevents you from making it happen, it is far from rocket science.
For the record, I am going to tell you that I am human. I admit that I bitch and moan my fair share. Running hurts, and working out doesn't feel too great sometimes either, but if I come to the reality that I need to kick Ronald Mcdonald in the ass and tell him to leave me alone and then hit the pavement. I will. I don't think I will be spending over one hundred dollars of my hard earned booze money on a body make over kit that basically tells you to eat right and get your body moving. It saddens me to see that experts are resorting to marketing towards the lazy ass holes.
So now that I think about it, I lied to you. In the beginning of this post I told you I was going to let you in on one secret. That isn't true, I am going to let you in on as many stinkin' diet and exercise secrets that I know. I am going to spill my guts all over the floor.
Before I get started I should probably mention something you already know. There are healthy ways of losing weight, and there are unhealthy ways of losing weight. I am sure that if you are educated enough to read my blog and comprehend the words I am typing, then you are educated enough to know that going on a Green Tea diet with only Cyan Pepper and Maple Syrup might be a bit of a DUMB. ASS. IDEA.
Secret number 1: The equation to losing weight is so freakin' simple!! If calories consumed is less than calories burned then you will lose weight. Burn 500 calories a week and you will lose one pound. Don't be an impatient son of a bitch, losing weight is a marathon not a sprint!
Secret number 2: You can't starve yourself or your body will store fat as a survival instinct. Feed your body regularly and it won't hold onto anything as an emergency resource. Train your body to work for you! We have a little something called a metabolism! It's like a car! It won't run unless you put gas in it! DUH!
Secret number 3: If you want to look tone you have to build at least a little bit of muscle! Ladies, muscle is a good thing! I promise you lifting a little bit won't turn you into Arnold whatever his name is. (I am not even going to try and spell that one) Another thing about muscle is that it burns fat right along with your metabolism! So you burn calories all the time.
I will give you a second to clean up the room, since I more than likely just blew your mind.
Secret number 4: To build the muscle I just told you about, you will need PROTEIN. Just eating fruits and vegetables alone won't get you anywhere. It will just make you want to break and enter Krispy Kreme. Go ahead and have a steak. It is a good thing!
Secret number 5: Your body needs a little bit of fat too... This one is a tricky one. You want the good fats like nuts and fish! Not saturated. CHECK LABELS. As a side note, eating out at restaurants means you will more than likely be eating every single kind of unwanted fat there is known to man. Fat is a pathway for flavor, so think about it.
Secret number 6: If you are working out like a fiend for a few weeks and starting to feel sluggish and weak, then it is probably about time for a rest and recovery week. If you have heard that exercise releases endorphins and promotes a happier lifestyle, then you should know that over exercising can have the complete OPPOSITE effect on your body. It could make you weak, irritable, and depressed. Make sure that you realize getting healthy is a process. You can't put a time frame on it. Just make realistic and healthy goals. Don't worry if you get anxious, please believe that Jimmer has to ban me from the scale sometimes.
Secret number 7: Drinking water before a meal fills up your stomach and keeps you from eating that entire dinner portion of chicken alfredo pasta at Olive Garden. Trust me, I had to resort to this because I could bathe in that damn alfredo sauce. Drinking water also helps your metabolism, along with helping you feel better during work outs. Holy shit, water is a BAMF if you think about it!
Secret number 8: Don't do the same work out every day, of every week, of every year. It won't work. You need to up the intensity every so often. Unless it's a recovery week, your work outs should always be difficult. If your body gets use to doing something it will stop burning calories to do it! Switch it up! I know you look like a graceful ballerina on the Elliptical at the gym but do something effective.
Secret number 9: This one isn't as world rocking as the other secrets but I still like it a lot. You need vegetables so I know you are going to make an effort to eat more salad. So make sure you get ALL dressings on the side and dip each bite in a little bit. You will use less than 1/2 of the dressing you were probably going to eat if you dumped the whole cup on there. Try it one time and you will see. You will probably not even use a tablespoon.
Secret number 10: Unless I think of anymore of these gems in the next couple days, this is the last secret I am going to throw at you tonight. It is really important, SO EYES AND EARS OPEN BITCHES!
Here goes...
One day a week it is good to eat whatever the fudge you want! Like secret number 8 your metabolism needs a challenge once in a while. Declare a cheat day and eat until you burst. Not only will it help your metabolism it will help your sanity. You won't ever have to assume the fetal position in a corner at midnight trying to keep the chocolate cake demons away again.
There you have it. Ten secrets to help you lose weight. Weird how it includes working out right?! Heaven forbid we have to work for something once in our lives! Now if you haven't noticed already I may be a classy lady, but I am NOT by any means an expert. I have accumulated these secrets from my health classes at Missouri State, Coach Frey, our athletic registered Dietitian, as well as fitness magazines. I have them because I have used them and have gotten results from them.
So if you happen to be able to prove me wrong on any of this information PLEASE do so. I would like to know that truth as well!
Overall I enjoy working out and being in shape, and frankly everyone should. That's just my opinion.
I always love to refer to my all time favorite movie, because my dad likes to pull this line on me when I am complaining about something myself...
It is from "A League of Their Own" Dot tells the manager Jimmy Dugan that she is quitting the team because "it just got too hard!"... So Jimmy stares her down and says "The hard... is what makes it great."
Makes me want to kick my dad in the face, but it's real deep stuff.
Think it over.
